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Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?
Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?
Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD
Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad
Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison - Welcome to Abu Ghraib!
Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People
Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!
Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq - Pat Goes Commando
Cross Afire #9: Unifished Business - President Roosevelt vs. Mexico
Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry - A Vote for Terrorism?
Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage - A Modest Compromise
Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry vs. Gay Marriage
Operation Iraqi Trashcan: More U.S. Propaganda Leaflets
Playing the Hitler Card
Cross Afire #5: Donald Rumsfeld Discovers Catch 22
Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran
Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God
Archive: Gulf Crisis Coloring Book (Dec 1990)
Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison - How Many Is Too Many?
Operation Afghan Litterbug: U.S. Propaganda Leaflets
Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld - American Hero?
Osama Video Fakery
American Crusade Trading Cards
Osama Interview
Therapy for W
Mark Twain: The War Prayer
Editorial: Newspeak, Please
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The Infinite Jest presents...
Therapy for Dubya
In times of stress, Americans often rush to psychologists for therapy. It should therefore surprise no one that the White House features a counseling center just down the hall from President Bush's Oval Office.
Thanks to a fortuitous combination of secret Nixon-era recording apparatus coupled with an FBI agent lonely enough to click on the Anna Kournikova email virus, this transcript of a White House therapy session was delivered unexpectedly to the Infinite Jest's emailbox. We thought it our duty to share.
Note: To preserve the anonymity of the medical subject, we will refer to the patient only as W.
Doctor: Please relax. To put you at ease, we will play a game of word association. I will say a word, and you speak the first word that pops into your head. Okay?
W.: Dokay.
Doctor: Excuse me?
W.: It's my first answer.
Doctor: We haven't started yet.
W.: Oh. So... are short words okay?
Doctor: Yes, they're fine. No need to show off. Shall we begin?
W.: Absotively-posilutely!
Doctor: My, my. Eight syllables! I am impressed.
W.: Ain't nothin'. I'm a multisolipsistic kinda guy in my heart.
Doctor: Um, yes. I'll begin first with some common objects, then we'll move on to larger conceptual terms. Let's start with . . . Table?
W.: Wood.
Doctor: Chair?
W.: Wheels.
Doctor: Book?
W.: Nap.
Doctor: That's excellent; you're very good at this. Newspaper?
W.: Funnies.
Doctor: Journalists?
W.: Assholes.
Doctor: Clinton?
W.: Asshole!
Doctor: Gore?
W.: Nerd.
Doctor: Taliban?
W.: Evil!
Doctor: bin Laden?
W.: Evilest!
Doctor: Saudi Arabia?
W.: Oil.
Doctor: Iran?
W.: Oil.
Doctor: Texas?
W.: Oil--no...well, yes, of course. Oil.
Doctor: Oil yet again, you say? Let's pursue that. Oil?
W.: Freedom!
Doctor: Alaska?
W.: State? Wait -- 49, 50, 51... yeah, state!
Doctor: Exxon?
W.: Freedom!
Doctor: Greenpeace?
W.: Traitors.
Doctor: And now some colors. . . White?
W.: Good.
Doctor: Black?
W.: Evil.
Doctor: Gray?
W.: Evil!
Doctor: (pause) Light gray?
W.: Eeevil!
Doctor: Please stop shaking your fist. Thank you. Let's continue: Dissent?
W.: Traitorly.
Doctor: First Amendment?
W.: Communism.
Doctor: Second Amendment?
W.: The Word of God!
Doctor: Sit down, please. Thank you. Fourth Amendment?
(pause)
Doctor: Fourth Amendment?
W.: Which one is that?
Doctor: Thank you. Justice?
W.: Revenge!
Doctor: Peace?
W.: Treason.
Doctor: Middle East?
W.: Oil.
Doctor: Oil, again?
W.: Freedom!
Doctor: Enduring Freedom?
W.: All the oil.
Email this pageScript by Kinbote and Phillip Moskowitz.
Copyright 2001 by the Infinite Jest Satire Collective: www.infinitejest.org