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Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?

Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?

Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD

Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad

Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison - Welcome to Abu Ghraib!

Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People

Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!

Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq - Pat Goes Commando

Cross Afire #9: Unifished Business - President Roosevelt vs. Mexico

Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry - A Vote for Terrorism?

Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage - A Modest Compromise

Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry vs. Gay Marriage

Operation Iraqi Trashcan: More U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Playing the Hitler Card

Cross Afire #5: Donald Rumsfeld Discovers Catch 22

Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran

Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God

Archive: Gulf Crisis Coloring Book (Dec 1990)

Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison - How Many Is Too Many?

Operation Afghan Litterbug: U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld - American Hero?

Osama Video Fakery

American Crusade Trading Cards

Osama Interview

Therapy for W

Mark Twain: The War Prayer

Editorial: Newspeak, Please

Jest Staff

Contact the Jest

CNN: Mister bin Laden, why'd you do it? Why bomb the World Trade Center and the Pentagon?

ObL: I hate Freedom.

CNN: It's that simple?

ObL: Oh yes. Freedom. Hate it. Always have, always will.

CNN: How can you possibly hate Freedom?

ObL: Well, it's so Good, you see. And I hate Good. I must pave the way for Eeeevil.

CNN: Evil?

ObL: No, not Evil. Eeeevil. Come, say it with me.

CNN: Eeeevil?

ObL: There, now you have it. It is a fun word to say, no?

CNN: Well, a little.

ObL: And that is why I like it. Eeeevil is fun. You may print that.

CNN: So these bombings have nothing to do with the continuing American occupation of your holiest sites in Saudi Arabia, nor with the U.S. regularly bombing Iraq for ten years beyond the end of the Gulf War, nor with the U.S. supplying guns and helicopters and missiles to Israel for the killing of Palestinians, whose lands they--

ObL: What? What were you saying? I'm sorry, I was distracted; I was thinking of ankles.

CNN: Of ankles?

ObL: Yes. I am constantly consumed by thoughts of your women flaunting their ankles in public.

CNN: Does that disturb you?

ObL: More than you can know. I have not slept a wink in sixteen months. I lie awake each night, tossing and turning, burning with anger at your country teeming with ankles. They haunt me.

CNN: Do you spend more time thinking of Evil, or of ankles?

ObL: I would call it a tie. More important, you mispronounced Eeeevil just now; you did not give it its due. You make it sound only half-bad, not even wicked.

CNN: Um. Eeeevil?

ObL: Much better. Thank you. It is important to me, you know, this Eeeevil.

CNN: Of course. Mister bin Laden, how do you reconcile killing thousands of people with the peaceful teachings of the Tarzan?

ObL: The Tarzan?

CNN: Yes, your holy book.

ObL: Ah, the Koran?

CNN: Yes, that one.

ObL: You have read the Koran?

CNN: Well, I've certainly heard about it. And I hear you're not interpreting it right.

ObL: I am so very glad you are here to aid me in my error. To misinterpret my holy book would be horrible, would it not? Would you kindly interpret it for me?

CNN: Well, your Shazamm, it doesn--

ObL: Excuse me; the book is the Koran.

CNN: Don't interrupt. You are very rude.

ObL: I am sorry. Please forgive me.

CNN: Now, this so-called Koran, it does not advocate steering airplanes into buildings, does it?

ObL: I think you are correct. Thank you very much; I have long been confused about the subtleties of my culture's holy texts. If you have any questions about interpreting your New Testament, you just ring me up and I will try to help you out, eh?

CNN: Sure, okay.

ObL: I mean it. You helped me so well with mine; in return I will help you understand your holy texts. Treat others as you wish to be treated, that sort of thing? Any questions, you just phone me. Give a jingle.

CNN: Well, that certainly sounds reasonable, even generous. Are you sure you're really all bad?

ObL: Do not insult me. I am Eeeevil to the bone.

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