The
Infinite
Jest

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Like
The Onion,
only bitter.

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Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?

Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?

Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD

Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad

Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison - Welcome to Abu Ghraib!

Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People

Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!

Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq - Pat Goes Commando

Cross Afire #9: Unifished Business - President Roosevelt vs. Mexico

Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry - A Vote for Terrorism?

Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage - A Modest Compromise

Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry vs. Gay Marriage

Operation Iraqi Trashcan: More U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Playing the Hitler Card

Cross Afire #5: Donald Rumsfeld Discovers Catch 22

Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran

Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God

Archive: Gulf Crisis Coloring Book (Dec 1990)

Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison - How Many Is Too Many?

Operation Afghan Litterbug: U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld - American Hero?

Osama Video Fakery

American Crusade Trading Cards

Osama Interview

Therapy for W

Mark Twain: The War Prayer

Editorial: Newspeak, Please

Jest Staff

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The Infinite Jest Investigates the Truth

Welcome to the Infinite Jest's documentary on the making -- or faking -- of the U.S. Government's so-called "smoking gun" videotape of Osama bin Laden. Is the tape real, or a fraud? How can we know for sure? And what about those government mind control rumors? We'll address all these questions and more. But first:

Is the Tape a Fraud?

ABSOLUTELY FAKE, says digital video expert George Rowles of Oxford University, England. What tipped him off? Says Rowles: "My biggest clue came when Jar Jar Binks sprinted across the screen right in the middle of the tape. That set off some alarms."

"Given the blatant presence of Jar Jar Binks in this video," continues Rowles, "I simply cannot understand how the American public believes it is genuine. I suspect the Pentagon has duped them by perfecting a new technology of mass hypnosis delivered via common television sets."

Scientific Study

Spurred to investigate Rowles' claim, The Infinite Jest immediately conducted a highly scientific study and discovered a mysterious phenomenon: while fully 99.8% of Europeans can see Jar Jar Binks on the videotape, only 1 in 10,000 Americans (0.01%) can detect the much-reviled Star Wars character.

Eminent Austrian psychologist Dr. Ada Weiss rejects Rowles' theory of state-sponsored hypnosis and offers this explanation: "American culture has cultivated a deep, permanent state of denial which allows Americans to simply block out perception of anything they wish not to hear or see, such as the despised JarJar Binks, the subjugation of the Palestinian people, or the thousands of Iraqi children dying each month due to U.N.-imposed sanctions. They walk through life wearing self-created blinders. It's a remarkable talent."

But why would Americans not also block out the hated Osama bin Laden on the video? Dr. Weiss explains: "Americans yearn desperately for an outlet for their anger, so they are secretly pleased to see bin Laden because he gives them a focal point for their hatred. But of course they entirely block out perceiving the section where Osama fondly recalls rolling nude in the piles of money funnelled to him by the CIA in the 1980s -- that's the part causing the media to call the tape 'discontinuous.' The tape isn't interrupted at all; the Americans simply fail to perceive the parts they dislike. They're not even conscious of it."

Lucasfilm Denies Involvement

Following the trail of Jar Jar Binks back to its roots at Lucasfilm, Infinite Jest reporters obtained an interview with digital imagery engineers at the Industrial Light and Magic special effects company, headquartered at Skywalker Ranch, California.

When confronted with the smoking gun of Jar Jar Binks, the engineers grew nervous and whispered among themselves. Finally, one stood up, walked outside and stood staring nervously at the sky. Another engineer began gathering canned goods and carrying them to the basement as the remaining techno-wizard at last spoke to our reporter.

"No, we could not possibly fake that tape," head engineer John Dykstra declared loudly, appearing to direct his voice at a nearby lampshade. "We can show you alien planets, make dinosaurs walk the earth, perfectly lip-synch a talking pig, have Forrest Gump shake hands with John F. Kennedy and make Harry Potter play airborne racquetball on a goddamn broomstick, but there's no imaginable way we could fake a conversation between two men in a plain room with soft focus and fuzzy sound. There's just no way."

Pay Dirt at the Pentagon

Dismayed at the tape lying beyond Lucasfilm's abilities to manipulate, and accepting the difficult fact that Jar Jar Binks must actually have been present in the room, our despairing Jest reporter scheduled one final interview at the Pentagon with Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, who asked that his identity be obscured. In accord with his request for anonymity, he will hereafter be denoted only as Paul W____.

When asked about Jar Jar Binks, Paul W___ exploded. "Did those bastards at ILM confess to you?" he demanded. "I told them there'd be hell to pay for that." Grabbing the red phone on his desk, he spoke into it: "Hello? Hello? I need a 10-megaton mushroom special delivered to Skywalker Ranch in 30 minutes or less. And a massive coverup to wash it down. Go."

Turning back to our reporter, he barked, "Nobody sees Binks. Nobody! Not even me. So what led you to him? Was it the Shadow of Evil?" Sighing, he shook his head. "We had to add the damn Shadow of Evil on the wall to convince that pinhead Bush that the tape was real -- he genuinely believes bin Laden casts The Devil's shadow! What a nitwit. But the puppet has his uses, I suppose."

Paul W___ shook his head again. "I've said too much. Now go. And don't use my name. Or there'll be hell to pay."

Conclusion

While some investigative efforts are focusing on visual details such as aberrant facial structure, beard length, jewelry and the like, and others focus on technical aspects such as speech/lips synchronization and analysis of the conveniently poor focus and shoddy soundtrack, and still others ask basic questions about why a sophisticated master of communications media known for tight-fisted control of images of himself would ever create such a naively revealing tape, The Infinite Jest has cut straight to the bone with its unassailable exposure of digital tomfoolery in the presence of Jar Jar Binks and the Shadow of Evil cast upon the wall.

The final evidence no doubt lies in the computer systems at Industrial Light and Magic at Skywalker Ranch. Unfortunately at press time, ILM representatives could not be reached by phone, and Pacific Bell indicated that their service had been terminated. No explanation was offered.

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