CNN, 15 Jan 2003: "The fact that the inspectors have not yet come up with new evidence of Iraq's WMD program could be evidence, in and of itself, of Iraq's noncooperation," Rumsfeld said.

CROSS AFIRE:

America's Far-Right Debate Show!

Episode #5:

In Which Donald Rumsfeld Discovers Catch 22.

Plus special guests Joseph Heller and Kurt Vonnegut!

• Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?
• Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?
• Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD
• Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad
• Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison: Welcome to Abu Ghraib!
• Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People
• Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!
• Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq: Pat Goes Commando
• Cross Afire #9: Unfinished Business: Franklin Roosevelt vs. Mexico
• Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry: A Vote for Terrorism?
• Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage: A Modest Compromise
• Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry debate Gay Marriage
• Cross Afire #5: Rumsfeld Discovers Heller's Catch 22
• Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran
• Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God
• Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison: How Many Is Too Many? (guest: Jesse Helms!)
• Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld: American Hero?

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Pat Buchanan: Tonight on Cross Afire: US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld takes your phone calls on Iraq! Are you pimping a book today, sir?

Donald Rumsfeld: It's just some light reading.

Jerry Falwell: You are a true man of the people! Our first caller: Amy from Minneapolis!

Amy: If Iraq hasn't invaded anybody in 12 years, why are they such a danger to us now?

Rumsfeld: It's the calm before the storm, Amy! Iraq's silence, combined with its 12-year track record of not stepping over its borders and killing anyone, is exactly what makes them so dangerous!

Jerry: Silence equals guilt!

Amy: So if Iraq had been pillaging its neighbors over the past 12 years, they'd be less dangerous?

Rumsfeld: Of course! But we'd still invade to protect Iraq's neighbors!

Pat: Our next caller is Tariq from Baghdad. Hi, Tariq!

Tariq: Please don't kill me.

Jerry: That's not even a question! Who's screening these calls?

Rumsfeld: Tariq, just stay clear of buildings, large groups of people, and open spaces. You'll be fine!

Tariq: I don't want to die.

Rumsfeld: I can't promise that you won't die, Tariq. But I do promise that if you don't die, you will be free!

Pat: Death will make you free, Tariq!

Jerry: Death equals freedom!

Pat: Bishop to E6.

Jerry: Next up: Robert from Seattle!

Robert: If inspectors find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, then we bomb them, right?

Rumsfeld: Of course.

Robert: But if inspectors fail to find such weapons?

Rumsfeld: Then it proves they are masters of hiding! We bomb them anyway!

Pat: Next caller: Joseph Heller from New York!

Jerry: Isn't he dead?

Rumsfeld: Before you speak, Mr Heller, I want to thank you on behalf of the Bush administration for your book, Catch 22. It's been... inspirational.

Joseph Heller: I demand you stop using my novel as an instruction manual!

Rumsfeld: I want you to know Dick Cheney considers Milo Minderbinder his personal hero.

Heller: You give democracy a black eye, Rumsfeld!

Rumsfeld, on the red phone: Hello, Homeland Security? Predator drone airstrike on the anti-American novelist, please. Zip his diddle.

Pat: How can you know his location?

Rumsfeld: All cell phones have 911 locators for safety. Safety! Ha!

Boom. Much blood.

Rumsfeld: So it goes.

Jerry: Most brutal, sir. Next up: Kurt Vonnegut from New York.

Kurt Vonnegut: Don't quote my work, you bastard! Go take a flying fuck at the moooooooon!

Rumsfeld, on red phone: Tactical nuke, please. Bust his bunker.

Nuclear boom.

Rumsfeld: Poo-tee-weet, Vonnegut. Poo. Tee. Weet.

CNN anchor: New York City is under attack! President Bush has declared Saddam Hussein responsible and has vowed "total nukular destruction" of all non-oilfield areas in Iraq. God bless America! Over to Cross Afire for expert analysis:

Rumsfeld: See the cat? See the cradle?

Pat: Join us again for more Cross Afire!

Jerry: Wave your flags!