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Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?

Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?

Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD

Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad

Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison - Welcome to Abu Ghraib!

Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People

Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!

Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq - Pat Goes Commando

Cross Afire #9: Unifished Business - President Roosevelt vs. Mexico

Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry - A Vote for Terrorism?

Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage - A Modest Compromise

Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry vs. Gay Marriage

Operation Iraqi Trashcan: More U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Playing the Hitler Card

Cross Afire #5: Donald Rumsfeld Discovers Catch 22

Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran

Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God

Archive: Gulf Crisis Coloring Book (Dec 1990)

Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison - How Many Is Too Many?

Operation Afghan Litterbug: U.S. Propaganda Leaflets

Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld - American Hero?

Osama Video Fakery

American Crusade Trading Cards

Osama Interview

Therapy for W

Mark Twain: The War Prayer

Editorial: Newspeak, Please

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In recognition of CNN's recent self-transformation into a cartoon, The Infinite Jest is pleased to present their flagship debate show in colorful comic strip form.

CROSS AFIRE:

America's Far-Right Debate Show!

Episode #3's Special Guest:
U.S. House Chaplain Daniel Coughlin

Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God


Today's Topic: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God
Script by F. Mellish Art by Kinbote

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Transcript of Cross Afire #3:
Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God

Pat Buchanan: Welcome to another boss edition of Cross Afire!

Jerry Falwell: Tonight we debate the Pledge of Allegiance with Father Daniel Coughlin, Chaplain of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Jerry: Father, where do you think our country is in relation to God? The Pledge claims we are under Him. What's your position on God's position?

Father Coughlin: The Church teaches that God is everywhere. He is within us and all around us.

Jerry: The God is not only above us, but everywhere else too?

Coughlin: Yes.

Jerry: Then the Pledge is a sorry understatement!

Jerry: We are not just under God; we are above, inside, between and through Him! God is everywhere we are! He comprises us! We are made of God! We ARE God! "ONE NATION, THAT IS GOD!"

Jerry: Pat, I settled this one without your help!

Pat: I applaud that, Jerry, but we're here to debate whether "under God" is legally trivial, or "de minimus". Remember: We can violate the First Amendment's church/state separation if we're careful to qualify as "de minimus".

Jerry: Of course it's de minimus! I'll prove it right now!

Jerry: Father, how much do the U.S. taxpayers pay you to lead our lawmakers in God-fearing prayers like the Pledge?

Coughlin: $138,000. Per year.

Pat: Our foes at the ACLU claim that's outrageous!

Jerry: I know! He deserves far more! But they have to keep the position de minimus!

Pat: Those Constitutional watchdog bastards! It's a wonder that we remain a great nation that is God!

Jerry: With liberty and justice for all Christians!

Coughlin: Go now and smiteth the Iraqi heathens. Amen!


Copyright 2002 by the Infinite Jest Satire Collective: www.infinitejest.org