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CROSS AFIRE:

America's Far-Right Debate Show!

Episode #1: Pat Buchanan and Jerry Falwell debate the burning question:
Donald Rumsfeld: American Hero?

• Cross Afire #17: How Liberal is John Kerry?
• Cross Afire #16: Spider-Man: Democrat or Republican?
• Cross Afire #15: Eulogy for George W. Bush, 2024 AD
• Cross Afire #14: Gated Communities at Home and Abroad
• Cross Afire #13: Brown Men in Prison: Welcome to Abu Ghraib!
• Cross Afire #12: I Don't See Dead People
• Cross Afire #11: Pat, You're Fired!
• Cross Afire #10: Mercenaries in Iraq: Pat Goes Commando
• Cross Afire #9: Unfinished Business: Franklin Roosevelt vs. Mexico
• Cross Afire #8: Voting for Kerry: A Vote for Terrorism?
• Cross Afire #7: Gay Marriage: A Modest Compromise
• Cross Afire #6: Pat and Jerry debate Gay Marriage
• Cross Afire #5: Rumsfeld Discovers Heller's Catch 22
• Cross Afire #4: Jerry Falwell On The Koran
• Cross Afire #3: Pledging Allegiance: The Geometry of God
• Cross Afire #2: Black Men In Prison: How Many Is Too Many? (guest: Jesse Helms!)
• Cross Afire #1: Donald Rumsfeld: American Hero?

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Pat: Welcome to Cross Afire! From the right, I'm Pat Buchanan.

Jerry: And from the right of him, I'm Reverend Jerry Falwell. Tonight's guest: Donald Rumsfeld: American Hero!

Pat: Hero? I don't want to bicker, Jerry, but Donald Rumsfeld is no hero. He's just doing his job.

Jerry: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Pat: As Secretary of Defense, he is just doing his job. To me, a real hero is George Phillips of Brownsville, Texas, who works in a tire factory all day but keeps America safe at night by shooting at any suspicious-looking Mexicans he finds near his halfacre. He keeps U.S. borders safe on his own time. Now that's a real hero!

Jerry: Yes, Pat, what George Phillips does is great, but how many foreigners does he really keep out? Decisions by our guest tonight have guaranteed that tens of thousands of people--

Rumsfeld: Possibly hundreds of thousands.

Jerry: Because of Donald Rumsfeld, hundreds of thousands of un-Americans will never set foot in our blessed territory!

Rumsfeld: Except those we bring by force to Guantanamo Bay.

Jerry: Exactly!

Pat: I still say a real hero is someone like Jim Oaker of Wichita, Kansas, who stole thousands of condoms from Wichita AIDS clinics -- virtually guaranteeing that gay men will stop having sex in his city!

Jerry: Pat, Jim Oaker just can't compete with a man who is almost single-handedly wiping a false religion from the face of the earth!

Rumsfeld: Let me end this silly argument right now. Of course I am a hero. An idiot can see that. For Christ's sake, I order people killed in the name of patriotism and cheap gasoline! What could be more heroic than that?

Jerry: Well said. Join us next time for another edition of Cross Afire!

Pat: God bless America!

Jerry: Amen!